Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Day 30 - 3/25/09 - Saws All Sex Toy

I know it's a little early for me here, but I just heard something on the radio that I had to check out. More info at NBC and TheBayNet, but in a nutshell a couple decided to get freaky in the bedroom using a reciprocating saw.....

....attached to a dildo. Now I am all for getting creative in the bedroom, but damn at least have a little fucking sense would ya? Supposedly the lady has been released from the hospital and is AOK, so that's good news. I just wonder how the thought process went for this. This happened in Maryland, but I'm thinking this had to be some redneck transplants. So join me as we take a trip into the trailer park...

{after having sex for 2.6 minutes the man has finished}

Woman: Damnit Carl you just don't it fer me nomore!

Man: Whatcha mean I don't do it fer ya?

Woman: Well, when we was first seein each other you was a bear in the sack.

Man: I am still your big ol' grizzly bear honey.

Woman: I knows I still call you that, but you ain't no bear in the sack like you useta. You useta make me feel like the happiest woman in the world when making love to me now it's like I don't feel nothing.

Man: It still feels good to me.

Woman: Ugh, I know Carl, but that don't mean I'm happy with our sexual relations.

Man: {hangs head and pouts}

Woman: Carl, I want you to meet a friend of mine...

Man: I'll kick his mother fuckin ass, where is he? That summabitch!

Woman: No Carl, it's not another guy. It's my dilder.

Man: Your what?

Woman: It's a dilder. {whips out 8" dildo with the rebel flag paint scheme}

Man: Whatcha do with that?

Woman: Look. {she shows him what she does with it}

Man: That's pretty nifty there I tell ya.

Woman: Carl, this is what I have to do to get off now a days because you are not fulfilling the yearning inside of me.

Man: You been readin them Fabio books again ain't ya?

Woman: No Carl, I read about it Cosmo. You wanna help me?

Man: Hell the fuck yeah!

{while the playing is going on Carl is thinking...hard}

Man: Honey, I'll be right back. Don't you go anywheres ya hear!

Woman: oh...uh...ok

{Carl returns with his reciprocating saw}

Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhhh, no Carl NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Man: Just let me see that thing for a second baby. I ain't gon hurt you!

{Carl fiddles around trying to get the dildo on the blade}

Woman: I don't like the looks of this Carl.

Man: Just hold on a got damn minute!

{Carl gets the rig hooked up and goes to town}



911 Operator: 911 what is your emergency?

Man: Yeah, uh, I, uh, I

911 Operator: Sir, what's wrong.

Man: I just cut my wife's cooter with a Saws All.

911 Operator: Excuse me sir, what was that?

Man: I put a dilder on my saw and made ma wife feel real good up til the blade cut through the dilder and now her cooter is bleeding like a stuck hog. Please help me! Lord Jesus!

I think you can pretty much take it from there, but sweet baby Jesus there are too many stupid fuckers out there. Everybody knows you have to file the edges off the blade first!

(Image Via Flickr)


Shananagans said...

Yeah, I heard about that on Lex and Terry this morning. CRAZY!!! Who the hell comes up with an idea like that? It's almost as good of an idea as breaking a window...

King Dominic said...

You sonovabitch. Maybe I can use this on FMRA?

dAndy ManCandy said...

That's a tough call CVE. I don't know wether you should start out with something a little more subtile like a jigsaw or jump in full on with a gas powered post hole digger. Let me know how it works out!

/thanks for stopping by

King Dominic said...

Dude, I just went back and viewed everything I typed yesterday. Apparently, vicoden and I can have a wonderful relationship together. Jesus, I was typing like I was Helen Keller.

dAndy ManCandy said...

Hellen Keller was a kick ass typer man. Somthing like 147 WPM.

dahnda efsahooh gnarja wahwah

That took me like 20 seconds because I wanted to make sure it accurately depicted Hellen's speech, but she can bust that shit out lickety split!