T-Minus 45 Days.....

Uh...Umm...Errr

2009-04-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

Welp, I think I know why I gots fireded. This here internets be taking up a lot of time. I haven't posted anything or even looked at any other blogs much because I haven't had the time. "WHAT THE FUCK?" you say. Seriously, in order to post here and in dAndyville be taken up some time and believe it or fucking not I've had better things to do since becoming unemployed than fuck around on the intarwebs all day. So yeah, I think I used to spend at least 4 hours solid fucking around online each day at my last job.

Keep checking in. I'm sure I will get bored sometime soon.

Oh yeah, did anybody see the Deadliest Catch Premier last night? I missed it. Gonna try and catch it online somewhere. If anybody knows where I can find it holla!

Day 42 - Or Day (0) - Or WTF Ever

2009-04-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

Today was the first official day of unemployment. No complaints thus far other than the excessive amount of gas I seem to be consuming at an alarming rate. It makes a BIG difference when you have to pay for it. I probably won't be posting much here anymore, so keep your eyes glued to dAndy's Own, unless I see stuff like this....

[Image via Space.com]

....yep, it's a hand made out of stars and shit reaching for a clump of red stars or some shit blowing up in space, way cool and I am a fucking dork. In other news my pinky and the orange button on Guitar Hero are getting to know each other and I think they are going to get along just great!

Day 36 - 3/31/09

2009-03-31T05:30:00.000-07:00

Damn, sometimes I think about how much I am going to miss this place. Then there are days like today when I can gladly say that I am glad I won't have to deal with this bullshit ever again. It's the end of the month today which equals an aggra-fuckin-vating day of work even if everything goes perfect. Ideally the last day of the month is a day where we are not extremely busy and being able to do inventory on everything in this warehouse is a cake walk in the afternoon. Well, if it ain't my fuck you have a nice life gift today. We are busier than shit and 2 fuckers called out. I know you are probably thinking, "OOOH A WHOLE 2 PEOPLE!" Well, when you only have 6 people in those positions and a third of them don't show when you are way busier than normal it's makes things mucho mucho fucked up-oh! Splash the EOM on top of that and it's going to be one fucked up day without a doubt.

The sad part is that I still FUCKING CARE! Why, I couldn't tell you. I should just be like, "Fuck it, shit don't matter to me. I ain't getting all worked up over this bullshit!" However, dAndy, just doesn't have that ability. I can't just do something half assed.

Stay tuned, I'll keep you guys abreast (huh huh I said breast) of what's shaking as this fucked up day marches on.

Day 35 - 3/30/09

2009-03-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

Welp, it's t-minus 4 days now so I don't guess the title of this shatty blog is appropriate anymore. I apologize tremdously for any confusion this may have caused all .24 of you that read this.

Uh, nothing much going on as usual. I got doinked out of the NCAAB pool at work. I lost a 1, 2, two 3's, and a 4 seed in a matter of 3 days. Fucking great! Jimmy Johnson drove his ass off yesterday and Tiger was Tiger. Look out Augusta, or I guess I should say look out fellow Masters competitors. Heeeeee's back.

In other news the Shamwow guy......

.... got in a little trouble this past weekend. Apparently, to all you hookers out there....RESPECT THE SHAMWOW GUY!!! According to The Smoking Gun he got a hooker and crossed the line by kissing her with the tongue. I've never been with a hooker, but even my dumbass knows you NEVER kiss a hooker. It's against the commonly accepted practices of hookering (CAPH). Not to mention, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT YOUR TONGUE IN A FUCKING HOOKER'S MOUTH?!?!?!?! Anyhoo, when he did that the hooker bit his tongue and wouldn't let go until it either thundered or he beat the living shit out her. He chose not to wait on the storm and smashed her face up pretty good/bad. Depends on how you look at it I guess.

Also, my Wii got really smart yesterday. I connected it online for the first time. For some reason I made that shit extremely hard the first 18 times I tried to do it and then yesterday I dug deep and harnished my inner Chinaman and fuggerred it out. Shit's pretty cool. You can get the weather and all that and you can buy some of the classic NES games. Here's what got me though. I was sippin on some sauce watching UNC smack the shit out of Blake Griffin and the Sooners and all of a sudden my Wii starting winking at me and it was turned off. There is a blue light that comes on only when you are putting a disc in or taking one out. Well, the light started winking at me. I felt like the money I could be saving with Geico was staring at me. So I turn the bitch on and my Wii is telling me that I have new messages because there is an update that I can install. Wow, technology these days. So, this made me think about what the future holds technology wise and what I think would be best for dAndy.

How cool would it be if they made a TV that had the capability to have a smaller picture within in the big picture of something different from what you are watching on the big picture?

I think having a toilet that automatically flushed would be AWESOME. I'm suprised no one has invented that yet.

Someone should make a website in which anyone could freely write about things going on in the world and in their daily lives. Kind of like a weB LOG or something.

How awesome would it be if someone made shoes that had air in them and you could have a little pump thing on it and control the level of air in the shoes. Do you think you could jump higher with air shoes?

I think that it would be neat if a purse for men was invented. It shouldn't be like a regular purse though. I think it should be something you could wear on your hip like a pack or something.

If I can think of any other life chaning inventions I'll update you accordingly.

{Image via The Good the Bad and the Ugly}

I have another blog too.....YIPPPEEE!

2009-03-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

Check this out at dAndy's Own!

Day 32 - 3/27/09

2009-03-27T05:16:00.000-07:00

Time is ticking for real now. In one week and about 7 hours I will be officially unemployed. FUCKING SWEET! My boss came up with a new term for it. I emailed him outlining my expectations for my last day celebration/festivities/keg party and he replied with calling it a refirement party. Yeah, I am not going to be unemployed. I'm gonna be refired. I like that shit alot. So, dAndy, what do you for a living? Oh nothing, I refired at an early age. Hells yeah!

Anyways, not much to talk about today....yet. Memphis got beat last night, so that ruined my chance of winning the office pool early (I sho could use that $60 too). Basically I had a chance of going into the final 4 with all 4 teams in my stable. Either way I've still got Kansas, Pitt, Zaga, and Syracuse so I'm not dead. However, my gut tells me that UCONN has this shit wrapped up. I'm thinking since they may potentially get hit hard with NCAA violations that they are gonna play like they won't have this opportunity for a long time (isn't that how all of these guys should play anyways?)

In other news, I have a product review for ya. If you've been anywhere on the intarwebs lately you have probably encountered eleventy hundred thirty ads for the new Amp flavors. They've got a new Lemonade aka Lightning flavor and two tea flavors, one black and one green. My lady friend, who I am struggling to come up with a feminine version of a dAndy name to go with, (As if dAndy isn't fucking girly enough. I was thinking about Shandy, ShedAndy, dAndette, or maybe even dAndee) and I will routinely enjoy a Firefly vodka drink......

....If you haven't tried Firefly let me tell you it's the shit. Basically it's a sweet tea flavored vodka (sounds brutal right?) in which you add equal parts of water and vodka and a splash of sour mix to get a kick ass liquor drink that taste damn near like drinking a glass of sweet muther fucking tea. I'm from the South and grew up on sweet tea so this shit hits the spot for me. Perfect for tailgating or just chillin on a warm summer day.

Anyfuckinway, back to the point of all this. We also will indulge in a little Amp energy drink and vodky combo from time to time as well. You know the ol' ecstasy in a can shizzle. So, when I saw the tea flavored amp the first thought was that + Firefly could potentially equal one kick ass drank. So, ShAndy stops by the store and grabs one of each tea flavor. First up black tea. I tried it without Vodky added and it was sort of OK. She added some vodka and it pretty much tasted like a form of a vodky tonic. We saved the green tea for my ride in to work this AM. My first response to the taste was blaaahup. Yeah, I almost tossed my cookies. It should be called Elle Eye Tea more than anything because that bullshit tasted like a Long Island Iced Tea more than anything except without the benefits of booze. Needless to say, and in order to wrap up this painfully bullshitty post, the new tea flavored Amp sucks major dimply ass!

Have a blessed day and a kick ass weekend!

{Image via Barfly}

Day 30 - 3/25/09 - Saws All Sex Toy

2009-03-25T03:58:00.000-07:00

I know it's a little early for me here, but I just heard something on the radio that I had to check out. More info at NBC and TheBayNet, but in a nutshell a couple decided to get freaky in the bedroom using a reciprocating saw.....

....attached to a dildo. Now I am all for getting creative in the bedroom, but damn at least have a little fucking sense would ya? Supposedly the lady has been released from the hospital and is AOK, so that's good news. I just wonder how the thought process went for this. This happened in Maryland, but I'm thinking this had to be some redneck transplants. So join me as we take a trip into the trailer park...

{after having sex for 2.6 minutes the man has finished}

Woman: Damnit Carl you just don't it fer me nomore!

Man: Whatcha mean I don't do it fer ya?

Woman: Well, when we was first seein each other you was a bear in the sack.

Man: I am still your big ol' grizzly bear honey.

Woman: I knows I still call you that, but you ain't no bear in the sack like you useta. You useta make me feel like the happiest woman in the world when making love to me now it's like I don't feel nothing.

Man: It still feels good to me.

Woman: Ugh, I know Carl, but that don't mean I'm happy with our sexual relations.

Man: {hangs head and pouts}

Woman: Carl, I want you to meet a friend of mine...

Man: I'll kick his mother fuckin ass, where is he? That summabitch!

Woman: No Carl, it's not another guy. It's my dilder.

Man: Your what?

Woman: It's a dilder. {whips out 8" dildo with the rebel flag paint scheme}

Man: Whatcha do with that?

Woman: Look. {she shows him what she does with it}

Man: That's pretty nifty there I tell ya.

Woman: Carl, this is what I have to do to get off now a days because you are not fulfilling the yearning inside of me.

Man: You been readin them Fabio books again ain't ya?

Woman: No Carl, I read about it Cosmo. You wanna help me?

Man: Hell the fuck yeah!

{while the playing is going on Carl is thinking...hard}

Man: Honey, I'll be right back. Don't you go anywheres ya hear!

Woman: oh...uh...ok

{Carl returns with his reciprocating saw}

Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhhh, no Carl NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Man: Just let me see that thing for a second baby. I ain't gon hurt you!

{Carl fiddles around trying to get the dildo on the blade}

Woman: I don't like the looks of this Carl.

Man: Just hold on a got damn minute!

{Carl gets the rig hooked up and goes to town}

Woman: Oh Carl, Oh Carl! OOOH CARL! AHHHHHHHH CARL!

Man: OH FUCK!

911 Operator: 911 what is your emergency?

Man: Yeah, uh, I, uh, I

911 Operator: Sir, what's wrong.

Man: I just cut my wife's cooter with a Saws All.

911 Operator: Excuse me sir, what was that?

Man: I put a dilder on my saw and made ma wife feel real good up til the blade cut through the dilder and now her cooter is bleeding like a stuck hog. Please help me! Lord Jesus!

I think you can pretty much take it from there, but sweet baby Jesus there are too many stupid fuckers out there. Everybody knows you have to file the edges off the blade first!

(Image Via Flickr)

Yeah Boyeeeee!

2009-03-24T13:17:00.001-07:00

dAndy's Own is somewhat functional again. Just getting warmed up a little for my gig as a full-time blogger aka sofa surfer.

Day 29 - 3/24/09 - 8 Days To Go

2009-03-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot shaking in the world of dAndyville today.

Here are a few things to kill some time....

Check out these 9 kick ass home theatres at MyBadPad. Anybody got 6 million to spend on home theatre? Didn't think so. Actually, if you do have that much to blow on watching movies at home please get me your contact info ASAP.

Sports Rubbish has the scoop on one hellacious ball park burger. I'd hit it.

Ever heard of the Wonderlic test. Over at Gunaxin is the dealie. Basically this is an intelligence test all NFL draft prospects take. It's pretty interesting stuff except that my boy Percy Harvin is dumb as shit.

GMoney has a couple of good things over at The Money Shot. A nice peaceful peace regarding Curt Shillings retirement along with a Tebow post. I didn't know UF enshrined his speech after losing to Ole Miss.

Holy shit! Nintendo is remaking the classic boxing game Mike Tyson's Punch Out for Wii. I loved that game as a kid and even though I can't see the video, according to InGameNow some of the old characters are in there too. Check it out! I know someone who is going to get knocked the fuck out, when it comes out! ;-)

Man, I just nailed 2 Cheesy Double Beef Buritos and a 7 Layer Nacho from Taco Hell and it only set me back $3. Now that's hope I can believe in!

RMOG - Mr. Overly Friendly Sandwich Shop Cashier Guy

2009-03-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

You know the Bud Light Real Men of Genius commercials? I often times will encounter a situation during the day in which there should so be one of those commercials written about the person I am dealing with. Like one of my co-workers...Mr. I never ever wash my nasty ass coffee cup guy. Here's to you fellater of the fungus!

Anyways, this past weekend around 11am I decide to go to a sandwich shop to get a greasy ass steak in a sack and some onion rings. Excellent foods to consume after a hard night of drinking and then waking up early the next day. So I walk in, and the guys says something along the lines of how's it going. I say fine and you. You know typical response to a typical greeting in a place like this. I should have communicated back with sign language for something, but that would have made it hard to order my grub. The next thing you know the guy is talking about how great a day it is outside. Let's see it's fucking 50 something degrees out with 30+ mile an hour and it's cloudy. So yeah, IT'S FUCKING GORGEOUS. Then the guys goes into what I have going on today. None of your fucking business ass hat! Then he tells me his kids are at a big carnival and that he is going there when he gets off and that he feels sorry for the guy in the dunking both because he is going to light him up. Why do you feel sorry for that guy when it's soooooo beautiful out douchetard?!?!?! Then it's like 20 other questions and comments and by that time I am just like DUDE! I just want my greasy little combo so I can work on getting undrunk in the next 10-15 minutes kay! So here's to you conversator conasieur. Shut the fuck up and give me my fucking food!

Got any RMOG ideas and situs? Put them in the comments bitches!

Day 28 - 3/23/09

2009-03-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

Man, I drank way too much this past weekend. Let's see......

Busch Light - Check
Bud Light - Check
Natty Light - Check
Budwieser - Check
Tequilla - Check
Spaten - Check
Shock Top - Check
Vodka - Check
Wine - Check
Saki (reg) - Check
Purple Saki - Check

I won't discuss the quantities of either product so you don't think I am some kind of alky, but if you don't think so already then I think YOU have a problem. Remember the 1st step is admitting it.

Day 23 - 3/18/09 - A Day Off

2009-03-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

So, today was a glimpse of what is going to be like here soon, sort of. I took off today in order to fully celebrate St. Patty's day last night. I didn't want getting up for work at 5am to hinder my drinking performance in honor of green beer and some Irish guy that killed a bunch of snakes or whatever the fuck St. Patrick did. So this is how today went.

743am- look at clock - go back to sleep
1023am - realize there is a girl next to me in bed - it's my girlfriend - wheew!
1028am - ........
1100am - get out of bed - realize I am not hungover - YAY - still regret asking bartender for a shot of cheap irish whiskey to end the night though
1104am - cook pancakes and bacon
1122am - eat pancakes and bacon
1134am - start wondering what to do today
1152am - still wondering what to do - my couch is comfy
1207pm - guitar hero it is
214pm - enough of the guitar hero - try to find something on TV
228pm - eat some chips and dip
236pm - realize how bad afternoon TV sucks
315pm - wash dishes from breakfast

After that I had to go take care of some things, but the reality of being unemployed and having nothing to do was mind boggling. Luckily I had something to do that occupied a good 5 hours of my time. Come 4/6/09 it's gonna be a whole new ball game. BE AFRAID BE VERY AFRAID!!

Day 24 - 3/19/09 - March Madness Baby!!!

2009-03-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

We drew for the office pool this AM and I did OK. It's kind of fucked up since we are so slow we only have 4 people in so everyone got 16 teams. The draws came out pretty even, except for one guy who got fuckeded. I guess being a douce 98.6% of the time eventually catches up with people. Other than Oklahoma, Washington, and FSU, he got nothing but 8 seeds or worse. I ended up with Pitt, Memphis, Kansas, Gonzaga, Syracuse, Cal, and my sleeper......Binghamton. Other noteables are Texas A&M and UCLA. Not too shabby if I must say so. Below is a little something Grimey from LOL Jocks put together. Funny shit indeed! If you have never checked out his site it's a guaranteed laugh or at least a giggle everytime!

Nice work Grimey!!!

P.S. You can still join my Yahoo pick em group.

Yahoo Tourney Pick Em

2009-03-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

I created a group so I could do this all by myself and acutaly win a group for once, but if you are willing to fuck that up then by all means join. Winner gets exclusive access to my blog free of charge!

dAndy's Own - Group ID - 157965, Password - dandy45

http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1/group/157965

The Poo Pile - aka dump list

2009-03-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

These 12 mancaves are the shizzle. One day I hope to at least turn my closet into a man nook. (MyBadPad.com)

This site is pretty cool. Basically if you thought your life was fucked up check this out. Fmylife.com

Like Pork? porktopia.com

I am a twitterer now. Tried to fight the urge, but couldn't resist.

Day 22 - 3/17/09 - St. MuthaFuckin Patty's Day

2009-03-17T04:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I found out yesterday that 4/3/09, is the day of death. After that day I will be jobless. Fear not though young children, for I will arise from the ashes like a uh...er...like a roasted marshmallow in a campfire that just barley touched the ashes, but is still good enough to eat because it has that charred crispy outside and warm gooey center. Yeah that's it! dAndy gon be aight!

However, let us not dwell upon my misfortune. Instead we must prepare ourselves for the day in which Irish eyes are smiling. The day in which it is socially acceptable to get shit faced drunk before lunch and then again before you eat a sackful of Krystal's at 3pm followed by a double patty melt plate with hasbrowns covered, chunked and topped from Waffle House at 8pm and then again before you pass out on a curb on your way to Taco Bell at 130am.

Now that we've covered today's dining options, let's talk booze. How you gonna roll today? Keep it traditional with some green beer and the occasional Irish Car Bomb. Sure nothing wrong with that, if you're a fucking pansy. Today is the day/night in which you set your new personal record for alcohol consumption. That's right! Today you put the record you set on your 21st birthday to shame. You are ALCOHOL and ALCOHOL is YOU. So break the tradition, mix liquors, chase shots with beer, chase beer with shots, and make a complete ass out of yourself. No one should notice and if they do at the time, they either are not enjoying the night the way they should or they won't remember it tomorrow anyway. Fuck it! Throw a cement mixer in there somewhere along the way too for shits and giggles!

Regardless of what you drink, just make sure you end up like this....

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

P.S. Don't get drunk and get some lame ass tatoo either!

Day ## - I don't even know anymore - 3/16/09

2009-03-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

Guess what? The greatest TV show EVAR is coming to the big screen. That's right MacGyver is going to hit theatres sometime in the next few years. Check it out at Film Drunk.

Odds on hang glider being built out of 3 coconuts, a garbage bag, and a bread bag twist tie 4:1.

Have a great day!

P.S. Tomorrow is green beer day!

Shuttle Launch Video- 3/15/09

2009-03-15T17:23:00.000-07:00

So, I live at the beach and tonight was one hell of a special occasion. The space shuttle was shot off the coast of Florida to outer fucking space at 743pm tonight. Although the footage is from my shitty ass digital camera and kind of makes this seem like I am over hyping it, THIS WAS FUCKING COOL SHIT!!!! Without a doubt the coolest launch I have ever seen and according to a lady that lives near me who has lived at the beach for years upon years it was the best she has ever seen. If you were able to see it too, congrats on watching our country kick some ass!!! Like I said, the video probably won't speak for itself, but I did OK recording it. I lost the shuttle shortly after the booster rockets separated because I wanted to follow back down the multicolored smoke trail that lead back to earth. As soon as the shuttle got up enough for the sun to still be shining on the trail it was some gorgeous fucking shit. Booster rocket separation at 58 secs. You can't see it in the video, but from the ground you can actually see both rockets still flying though the air after they separate. Lame ass video below. GO USA!!

Holidaaaaay....Celebraaaaate

2009-03-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, 3/14/09, is the greatest holiday EVAR!!! That's ladies and gents it's National Steak and BJ day. I heard someone mention it earlier this week and then my girlfriend just told me about it too. How fucking cool is that? My girl actually wanted to let me know that tomorrow is the day she should make sure I get a fat ass T-bone (medium please) and a killer blowjob to top it off. I thought it was bullshit, but I was wrong....

http://www.steakandbjday.com/

Day 18 - Friday the 13th, 2009 - AAAAHHHHHHHH

2009-03-13T06:18:00.000-07:00

It's Friday the 13th and I am not scared one fucking bit. You know why? Because I am dAndy that's why! What was that noise I just heard? Huh? Wheew, it was just the wind. So, I....

Son of a bitch. Fucker bout got my ass. So with it being a fucked up Friday on top of Friday the 13th I thought it would be no better of a time to talk about fucked up movies.

Let me start out with a little history for you fucktards. When I was 4 my babysitter made me watch Poltergeist...

...bitch told me it was a funny movie and the shit scared the fucking life out of me. I had horrific nightmares until I was like 13. Luckily I learned how to jack off then and my nightmares were replaced by dreams of the lovely ladies from the bra and panty section of the JC Penny catalog. Anyhow, that little incident right there (Poltergeist, not learning how to jack it) fucked me up seriously and it wasn't until last year that I even had any interest in fucked up movies. I've never seen any of the Jason or Elm Street flicks and never wanted to. About a year ago though someone had me watch Wrong Turn 2....

It was a pretty fucked up film to say the least. In the first seen a chick gets splut in half straight down the middle from head to toe. Although it was gorry and freaky, it was also funny at how stupid the shit is. (Why was I such a pussy for all those years?) That opened the door for me and my next horror/suspense flick - SAW.

I saw the first one and was hooked (no pun intended). I've seen all 5 of them and there hasn't been any let down. I won't go into anything more boring than what I already have here, but these movies, although fucked up and gorry as hell, are entertaining as shit. The way Jigsaw puts people in situations in which they actually can survive if they so choose based on their past is just amazing. I think the other part that tickles my fancy is thinking about the guy thinking about writing these movies. Everything seems like it's actually feasible and could happen in real life and to think about what was going through the guy's head that wrote this shit is amazing. So if you haven't seen any of the Saw movies and want to get your scare on this Friday the 13th check out Saw. Make sure you watch the first one first at all cost. In this series of movies each one depends heavily on the previous one. Start out with anything past Saw I and you're gonna be way more fucked up than you already will be just from seeing the first one. Enjoy your Friday the 13th. I'll probably put something else up later today since I am now realizing how fucking gay this post is. WTF was I thinking? This isn't my bag baby!

Day 17 - 3/12/09

2009-03-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

First off, let me apologize to all 1 of my loyal readers for not getting anything up here lately. I'll try to do better about posting regularly lest I don't lose your patronage. {ed. note: I had this ready at 9am, Thursday, 3/12/09, but the internets was broke at work}

So what's crackalacking? Not a whole lot really. I've pretty much came to terms with my destiny of being a sorry mofo. It will be weird as shit not having anything to do. I know most people, including myself, have dreamed of being able to not do a damn thing all day. However, I don't know that I am actually looking forward to it that much. I kind of feel like the old guy that's about to retire and then starts thinking about all of the things he wants to do. The only difference is that I won't have any money to do any cool shit with.

Other than becoming the best Guitar Hero the world has ever known I don't have much on my agenda. One big goal is going to be to lose some weight and get in tip top shape. I'm not a fatass per say, but I could use to lose some poundage in the guttox and build some muscle. So, hopefully I'll make good use of my idle time by working out. One of my goals for a while now has been to be in the best shape I have been in a long time before I turn 30. T-minus 99 days for that. I may go as gay as to post weekly pictures of my fatass gut to see if there are any noticeable changes are taking place. Plus that added pressure should help me to stick with it and actually get into shape. That will be a different blog to spare you non-homos of having to see me slowly evolve into a beast of a man Possibly something along the lines of www.unfatdAndy.blogspot.com or www.dAndybeshapinup.blogspot.com or maybe even www.thisfatfuckthinkshecangetintoshape.blogspot.com. I'll think up something good once I get all this time on my hands or if you have any ideas throw a comment up in this mug! Just think, your creative insight could lead to a blog name. You'll be famous and rich and have a yacht and shit.

Of course I'll probably blog my ass off while taking breaks from ripping out killer streaks on the Guitar Hero Would Tour expert level. So you have that to look forward to as well. I'll probably fire www.dAndymancandy.blogspot.com back up again for sports/fantasy bullshit. Might get a little Jaguar or UF feature kicking. Hell I'll probably get so bored that I will blog about shit that's on C-SPAN and what not. I can see it now..."BREAKING FUCKING NEWS - THE HOUSE JUST VOTED YES ON BILL #4208457." That will be on www.dAndytalkspoliticsnshit.blogspot.com.

One idea that hit me recently was to create a website for the wealthy to donate money to me. I know it sounds a little far fetched at first glance, but just relax and go with me to my happy place for a bit. How many rich fuckers do you think would miss $10, $20, or even $50 a month? The numbers on that are probably mind blowing if you think about it even with the economy the way it is. If I could make my own charity then they could even write the donation off right? Don't rich fuckers love to feel good about helping people and then harness that warm and fuzzy good feeling all the while getting a tax write off out of it? The answer to that is FUCK and YES! All I need to do is figure out a creative marketing strategy and get the word spread. If I could get a handful of people to buy into helping a good guy who is faced with the challenges of living life making less than 25% of what he was making before going on unemployment while trying to afford a place to live and support 2 kids with no decent future job in sight. How cool would that be if I could make it fly? I guess the first step would be creating a site to get donations from rich people to help a guy get a charity started to create a site for rich people to donate money to. But then I would need to create a site to get donations to create the site to get donations to create the site. It's a viscous cycle, but I've got time.

One thing my soon to be ex-boss told me that I will cherish forever was that laziness can create some of the best solutions to problems. I found that out by being the sorry mofo that I am. Basically when faced with a task or challenge my lazy ass would think of the easiest way or a way to get shit did with the least amount of physical effort which in 3 out of 6000 times would actually lead to a good way of getting something hard done. So that's some of my reasoning behind the rich people help dAndy plan. www.pleasehelppodAndy.blogspot.com will be the place for that to take place. Wish me luck in my endeavors!

Stay tuned I'll get better about posting soon. Especially in a couple few weeks! In the meantime here is a picture of what I will be doing when that day comes......

Day 15 - 3/10/09 - IT'S O-FUCKIN-FICIAL

2009-03-10T04:46:00.000-07:00

I'se about to be one unemployed son of a bitch. Thought I had the gig knotted up, but apparently with this fucked up economy we live in there was a ton of applicants for the position I went for. Although I have tons of previous experience with the company, I don't have any experience in that particular business segment. Therefo I ain't get the job. With that said I am about to be enjoying the high and lows of sofa surfing. In other words the highs and lows of sitting on the fucking couch not doing a fucking thing! One things fo sho. dAndy bout to take his blogging to the next level. I'll have nothing but time and I'll fit the blogger stereotype to the T. Living at home with mom and dad. This is going to be fun!

Day 10 - 3/5/09

2009-03-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

I am in one fantastic fucking mood today. I've spent most of my day dilly dallying on the internets trying to find something worth a shit with no luck at all and lo and fucking behold - WHABAM!! - shit just slapped me in the face. I was exposed to this through a link on KSK. It comes from Eatmedaily.com. I present to you the McGangBang.....

That shit be looking got damn goodt! It's a McChicken in the middle of a double cheeseburger. Supposedly you can order it and the peeps at MickeyD's will know what you mean. Hopefully you don't get the fat greasy bitch on fries with a lazy eye along with the retarded mexican chick that only cleans tables brought to you curbside instead. I am about to research something else I saw at Eatmedaily. It's the Whopgangbang. I'll let you know how it shakes out!

Day 9 - 3/4/9

2009-03-05T06:35:00.000-08:00

So I didn't post anything on here for yesterday. Here's is what I did in a nutshell.

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Yep, that's pretty much it. Not a damn thing.

Day 8 - 3/3/9

2009-03-03T04:23:00.000-08:00

Sweet, today is one of those really cool days where the number of the month and the day of the month are the same number. How FUCKING cool is that?

The interview went well yesterday. I'll know something at the end of the week. There were some pretty good questions in there. Here's some that I can remember..

Which of these three things are most important? Teamwork, Honesty/Integrity, and... (fuck I forgot the third one)

Describe yourself in one word. That was a tough one. I chose sexxxxxay!

Of course I had to go into why I left originally and why I want to come back.

They asked me to rate my management skill level on a scale of 1-10. I said a 7 figuring that was an honest and humble answer. Of course they asked why and I told them because I hadn't managed in that environment in a while. Then they asked what I thought I was when I was still working there. I said 8.37. Shit was funny.

What are my long and short term career goals? That was the easiest one. Short - get a job, Long - Keep a job. Just kidding I didn't really say that.

Describe a time when you had to earn the trust of a team of people. ZZZZZZ....This one time someone told me it was going to rain for 40 days and nights and there would be massive flooding. I told every fucking body I was going to build this big ass boat and they should get on there with me so they don't die. They didn't listen, but I tried.

What challenges do you think you will face if you were to get this job? I knew that one was coming and I nailed it!

There was some other stuff thrown in there for shits and giggles, but that was pretty much it.

In other news, I get back to my current job this AM and realize I am surrounded by complete fucking maroons! I'll give them credit for making my job exciting and challenging this morning since it hasn't been that way in a long time, but fuck they made this shit 87,420 times harder than what it is. It was ABSOLUTE CHAOS. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WE CAN'T HANDLE IT! It took me a whopping 15 minutes to sort the shit out and right the ship. All is under control. The good part is that it gave me an opportunity to go off on the fucker I work with. Man I'm gonna miss this shit! If I get the new gig I won't be able to drop 16 f-bombs in one sentence anymore. Oh well!

Day 7 - 3/2/09

2009-03-02T05:38:00.000-08:00

Man fuck Mondays! I almost called out today in order to "get ready" for the big interview today, but fuck it I came in anyway. Hopefully, my days of getting up at 5am will be coming to a close here soon as the new gig I hopefully land doesn't start until 2pm. What the fuck will I do each morning not getting up 2 hours before the sun comes up? Oh that's right, I am going to sleep like a fucking rock. The question on my mind (assuming all goes well) is whether or not I will sleep until like noon everyday. I've done that before, although it was like 10 years ago, but now I am getting to the age where it's like why sleep my life away. I'll set the goal of getting up by 9am each day which means my ass will probably get up by 10. Then I can work out (who the fuck am I kidding) and get some guitar hero action in before I go to work.

Speaking of guitar hero, I have been avoiding this shit for a while now, but Friday, I got my first taste of Rock Band on 360. Next thing you know my broke ass drops 2 bones on Guitar Hero World Tour for Wii. I am abso-fuckin-lutely hooked to say the least. Yeah, I am fucking dork so go blow a fucking midget dick if you have a problem with that. I'll spare you of the game review on here, but if you like Rock and guitars and what not get that shit. Not only is the game fun, but I acheived a lifelong goal by purchasing it. Last night I decided to play naked and for the first time ever I actually rocked out with my cock out. Shit was cool.

Ok, so back to the big interview today. I feel like I should be nervous, but I am not. So, now I am getting nervous about not being nervous. So I guess sometime today I'll get nervous about being nervous about not being nervous so who knows what the fuck will happen by the time I get to the interview. I did go so far as to prepare some responses to standard interview questions....

Why should we hire you? Because I am about to be un-fucking-employed.

What qualities do you feel you bring to this company? Well, for starters I uh....umm...er...pass. I'll catch that question in the speed round.

Do you forsee any challenges if you were to obtain this position? Well, the fact that my current job allows me to cuss like a fucking sailor all day long could make working in this politically correct corporate world hard as shit.

What kind of computer skills do you have? I am blogger bitch, what more do you need to know. I can make shit in italics and bold with no fucking problems. I can also insert cool links, and post pictures of hot bitches....

...next question please.

Do you have any physical or mental limitations that could prevent you from doing this job or certain tasks? Well, I tend to get sidetracked pretty easily and I also enjoy daydreaming of deatailed schemes to deprive the company of $0.0001 on every transaction in hopes of secretly becoming a millionaire and then moving to a fucking cool place like Costa Rica and not doing a got damn thing the rest of my life, but other than that I am AOK.

What have you been doing since you last worked here? Well, I bought a Wii last year and then this past weekend I got Guitar Hero for it and I have been fucking nailing some killer guitar solos and just last night I accomplished my life long goal to rock out with my cock out. It was fucking cool!

After those killer responses I am sure they will offer me the job and pay me way more than I ever expected! I'll let you ass tasters know how it goes later today or tomorrow morning.

P.S. ICWTSMSWA!!!!!

Day 4 - 2/27/09 - Continuated

2009-02-27T10:10:00.000-08:00

So, now that I have this interview coming up I have lost my creativeness and ability to come up with some goofy shit to post. So without further ado......it's Fucked Up Friday Pics! Feel free to add some captions in the comments....

That should do it! When you look at these just think about how much better each of you feel a about being you.

Day 4 - 2/27/09

2009-02-27T05:45:00.000-08:00

Top o' the morning to you loyal viewers and cuntpunchers (I guess it's afternoon now that my lazy ass actually finished this BS post). It's a gorgeous day out and it's Friday! FUCK AND YES! So, I gots me an interview coming up here Monday with the company I worked with before this gig. I'm pretty stoked about it. It's a good company and I know most everyone there and I should pretty much be a lock for the position, but I ain't bout to be counting chickens before the egg fuckin cracks so wish me luck.

Here's is a great picture from KSK's mailbag yesterday.

Now that shit right there is straight up super pimpin. I would have been so fucking cool had I been alive back then. You may not be able to see it, but in the corner it says, "Explicitly illustrated instruction booklet enclosed." I bet that was considered hardcore back then.

I'll try to post some fucked up shit on here later, if I don't get to it then fuck you and have a good weekend bitches!

Day 3 - 2/26/09

2009-02-26T05:06:00.000-08:00

To Do:

Get to work within 15 minutes of the 15 minutes late I usually get there (the new usual is now within 15 minutes of the 15 minutes late I used to get here)

Take a shit

Drink a cup of coffee

Smoke

Look online for a job

Begin to place my pubes in random places around the office by laminating them to things with scotch tape

Look online for a job

Look online for a job

Google image search "New boobs old faces"

Hit back arrow

Google image search "Nancy Kerrigan nude"

Hit back arrow

Google image search "xxx"

Go to bathroom for 2.4 minutes, but not to poop

Look online for a job

Look online for a job

Make a turkey sandwich before bread goes bad

Wish I would have eaten 2 cheesy double beef burritos

Smoke - damn only 3 left

Only smoke 1/2 and save some for later

Look online for a job

Consider becoming an American mail order husband as compard to Russian mail order brides

Realize there is a 99.9% chance I would end up married to a fat Russian dude.

Scratch becoming an American mail order husband off of options list.

Look online for a job

Eat another lame ass turkey sandwich even though bread is going bad (oh look blue cheese)

Smoke the other 1/2

Look online for a job

Go home and take it all in

Day 2 - 2/25/9 pt Duex

2009-02-25T06:28:00.001-08:00

Ok, so things here at work are more awkward than normal (shocking I know). It's just a weird feeling working around here knowing I won't be here much longer. It feels like the people that know of my limited existence are treating me differently. Don't get me wrong I truly like all the people that I work with, but damn, let's cut the shit and quit with the I care about you bullshit. Sure, you probably feel sorry for dAndy, but in all actuality you guys are loving this because me getting capped just makes your job safer. In other words, just chill the fuck out and act like you always have you cocktasters!

Another odd aspect of all this, is dealing with customers. None of them know and I don't plan on any of them finding out until I'm pretty much out the door. What's funny is that all everyone talks about and has been talking about for months now is how slow it is and how people are losing their jobs in this industry. So I have been fielding questions like, "Ya'll done let go a anybody else?" So it's interesting to be telling these guys what's going on knowing I'm the next one without telling them I'm the next one. The less people that know of this the better off I am. The last thing I want to be doing is talking to every fucker that comes in here about me losing my job and then answering the question of what are you going to do with I don't have a fucking clue. Maybe I'll become a professional blogger. Those guys make big bucks right?

One thing, I am trying not to do, but is pretty damn fun is busting out comments like, "Geez, I really hope I don't get fired for this." It goes over pretty well when around a mixture of people that know and don't know.

In the big picture though, I am still giving a shit about what I do. The thoughts of completely not giving a fuck cross my mind from time to time, but I can't do that. I'll just keep rolling along going with the flow. I just wish it was football season right now. I'd be managing like 10 teams and completely stacking my lineup by spending endless amounts of time checking the waiver wire and free agent lists. Oh wait, I did that last season. Maybe that's why I be fireded.

Day 2 - 2/25/09

2009-02-25T04:12:00.001-08:00

To do:

Get to work within 15 minutes of the 15 minutes late I usually get here (I blew this one this AM and got here an hour late...yikes)

Take a shit

Drink a cup of coffee

Smoke

Leave my legacy here by sticking as many boogers as possible under my desk for the next guy

Look online for a job

Look online for a job

Try to figure out how to get a bandaid to stick inside my nostril without anyone seeing it on the outside

Look online for a job

Look online for a job

Look online for a job

Eat 2 cheesy double beef burritos

Smoke

Look online for a job

Check out other blogs like KSK and BFO

Look online for a job

Look online for a job

Google image search "Tig Ol' Bitties"

Wish I hadn't searched for "Tig Ol' Bitties"

Vomit

Smoke (think about how I can't afford to smoke now)

Smoke another while I have some

Look online for a job

Look online for a job

Take a shit while looking for jobs in the paper (now that's productive!!)

Look online for a job

Ponder making "THOUSANDS" by simply working from home offer

Think that if it were that easy wouldn't the guy trying to get you to work from home to make "THOUSANDS" just do a lot of that work himself from home to make lots of "THOUSANDS"

Look online for a job

Drive home and then take it all in

Day 1 - 2/24/09

2009-02-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

To Do:

Be a complete dick

Show up on time (that's iffy)

Go Half-Baked on assholes I deal with regularly...."Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you and..I'm out!"

Go Half-Baked on assholes I don't deal with regularly

Go Half-Baked on pretty much anybody

Throw firecrackers at co-workers inside and out

Page people that don't even work here over the intercom system...."Harry Feltersnatch you have a call on line 1, Harry Feltersnatch line 1" (i'll run out of these pretty quick so suggestions are greatly appreciated)

Fax neat drawings of mine to the other parts of the company from compay fax machines
Give a shit (another iffy one)

Update resume and create a monster.com account

Shoot out some emails announcing my impending doom to friends and past business acquaintences to see if there may be any opportunities out there.

Not flush when taking a shit in the company toilets.

Office booby traps (I need to do some research for new ideas. If you know of some please drop a comment)

Gradually increase the volume of the radio on my desk to annoy co-workers. Lex and Terry in the mornings along with some new rock surely gets the creative job hunt blood flowing

Slowly empty the first aid cabinet to stock up on personal meds

Craftily replace all Tylenol in the first aid kit with constipation relief meds once I have enough stocked up at home.

Answer the phone with multiple accents and personalities.

TBD

In all honesty though, I will keep doing my job as I have for the past 3 years. I care too much about doing things right to start fucking things up on purpose. I have no hard feelings towards my boss or the company and doing a shitty job now (wait was I doing a shitty job to get fired to begin with?) wouldn't accomplish anything positive. I am not one for burning bridges. You never know when you'll need to drive back over one to get somewhere else.

Day 0 - 2/23/09

2009-02-24T09:24:00.001-08:00

Welp, the bomb got dropped on me today. I kind of saw it coming, but nothing can really prepare you for when it actually happens. Due to a fucked up market, the company I work for no longer needs me. I have to give my boss credit for giving me 45 days notice though. He is even giving me a paid day off a week for interviews and what not so major kudos there. Thanks cheif!

The shit stings though, I ain't gonna lie about that. Sure, I SHOULD be able to find another job rather quickly, but damn I know it won't compare to what I have now or had, I guess I should say. I'm losing a company vehicle, gas, insurance, and a cell phone. Not to mention other regular perks like free lunches and trips to NASCAR races, hunting, and fishing. I'll miss that shit for sure!

So today was just sit back and take it all in day. And when I say take it all in I mean take in around 1 liter of vodka while sitting back and realizing what I am facing both personally and financially. THIS SHIT SUCKS! Then again though, everything happens for a reason right!

I'll be trying to post everyday here as to what I am doing in regards future job exploration and the good stuff will be the ins and outs of pretty much coming to work everyday knowing I will eventually not be working here anymore. Let's see how it shakes out.

P.S. Great value during these trying econmic times: Taco Bell's Cheesy Double Beef Burrito for $0.89.

2 of those bad boys along with 16 packets of hot/medium/mild sauce with funny little sayings on there and you are sot!